Thoughts on my birthday tomorrow.

Journal entry ...November 18th, 2018

In 40 minutes I will be 69 years old.  Birthdays and aging have never bothered me before...except for my 60th birthday. 

 Our kids decided to give me a "card shower" for my birthday so they sent out instructions to my friends as well as a pre-addressed envelope with my address.  The instructions were each person was to write something personal to me on the occasion of my 60th birthday and to mail it to me the week of my birthday. The mailing went out a month before my birthday.  They never told me that's what they were doing and it was a big secret.  It was truly wonderful when I finally realized I was being honored. 

   However, some people didn't understand the concept so I began getting letters in October.  Don't misunderstand I adore being told how wonderful, thoughtful and great I am but I began to get letters from people who would I would never hear from unless I was dying.  The first letter I got was from my baby sister.  Bev, and I have had an up and down relationship at times so to hear nice things about me was suspicious and unnerving. Our birthdays are 5 days apart so it's not like she didn't know what day I was born.

     I had a lovely letter from my friend Gerri Jones.  Gerri was always outspoken, and outlandish and told the best stories.  I never knew what would come out of her mouth.  She shocked me so many times with her stories.  However, Gerri was the type of person that I would have never heard from....unless I was dying.   Her lovely letter arrived a month before my birthday.  It made me cry but there were no" Happy 60th Birthday "remarks.

Our good friends Sandy and Mike Wagoner called and asked if they could come to visit us before my birthday.  Our kids were calling more frequently and always talking to their dad and not to me.  Whenever I walked in the room Charlie would say, "Mom just walked in, I'll call you later."

I am very suggestible so I began to wonder if I had some horrible disease that would kill me before my 60th birthday. Every morning I would do a physical assessment on myself to see if I had a brain tumor, cardiac problems, breathing difficulties or any other disease. I consoled my dying self with chocolate. Why hold back now?  The letters kept coming.  Letters, not birthday cards.  The closer to my birthday, more and more arrived.  I can't begin to tell you how relieved I was when the girls told me they had organized a card shower for me.  I still have all the cards and nice things people said about me.  The nicest thing about that birthday was to find out I wasn't dying and people actually liked me. Find out more here.



My upcoming 69th birthday is really bothering me because in my head 70 is old.  It means that I'm rapidly advancing into old age and not gracefully at that.  What will I accomplish in this next year before I turn 70?  We have been in Tennessee for 2 years now.  The first year was really hard...having to make new friends, new doctors, new routines, new ministries, and a new church.  It has been a year and a half since having cardiac ablation.  My heart is back in normal rhythm and I am more physically active.

I need a new normal.  I am really lazy and fearful.  I don't like to do anything by myself, I don't like to drive because I am directionally impaired.  I need to get over myself and just start making myself do things to get over this fear.

Lord, help me go into old age with grace and assurance that you have already prepared a place for me.  Remind me that you will lead and guide and be my strength.  Help me remember that you will carry me should I stumble or fall.

Micah 7: 8  "for though I fall, I will rise again.  Though I sit in darkness the Lord will be my light.