OK, so it doesn't rhyme! But if the truth be known words are more hurtful and tend to form your self-image.
Today in a conversation with Mr. Wonderful, I remembered the frustration of my dad trying to teach me a math concept that I couldn't master. He tried many different ways to explain and even used coins to help visualize the concept without any "light bulb" moment of insight on my part.
Finally, in a moment of sheer exasperation he said, " Well, I guess you'll just be in the third grade for the rest of your life! I adored my dad and unbelievably these are the words I still remember some 50 years later despite having a college degree and being a health care professional.
Recently my son received some hurtful words from a family member. They were words from a person who has had very little input into his life and quite frankly doesn't know him well enough to correct his behavior. He was hurt and surprised as they came in the form of a Christmas card (so much for peace on earth and goodwill toward men!)
Being a preacher's wife, I have been blessed with having a short memory and thick skin. The Lord has removed a lot of stinging comments from my memory and fortunately, I rarely know when I'm insulted. I don't look for insults (who wouldn't want to be my friend?) don't expect insults (I expect the best out of everyone) and have come up with the following criteria for handling insults.
1. Is there any truth to what the person has said?
2. Have I been thoughtless or careless with my words?
3. Have I carelessly joked or teased about an issue that is sensitive to that person?
4. Consider the source of the complaint? Is this someone who is significant in my life? Is this someone who has earned the right to speak into my life?
Now I have a new problem.... overzealous protectors. Sometimes when I choose to extend grace in a situation I have friends and family who pick up the gauntlet and try to defend me. I'm hoping this is the situation that occurred with my son but I will let some time pass to defuse the bomb and confront the offender quietly, personally and face to face.
Daisy Dilemma: How do you handle conflict? Do you drop the bomb and run or do you enjoy confrontation?
9 comments:
You sound like you have a lot of wisdom with personal relations, Daisy. I'm sure that more than makes up for any difficulty with third grade math problems.
My girlfriend has a problem with understanding how adding salt to things can change melting and boiling points. I'm sure there's other simple situations that pass my ken also. It's weird how some simple concepts can be hard to understand.
As for conflict--I try to avoid it but occasionally have fits of temper when I prompt it. It's not a good thing either way.
Michele sent me off to Virginia to say hi!
Neither. It depends on the situation as each is unique. Sometimes confrontation is doomed from the start. If I know this, then confrontation logically makes no sense. Alas, I am not always logical. Often it is best to not validate an insult with a reply, dignified or otherwise, lest I add fuel to the spark.
I am fully capable of dealing with insult, insensitivity and ignorance in a number of ways, including more than one means of direct confrontation. Yes, this means I know how to be nasty as well... "I'll see your insult and raise you one." However, this is almost never an effective means of resolution, and if resolution is my goal (it might not be), then choosing the most effective means of mitigation is paramount.
Often, the only realistic way to do it is to turn the other cheek.
Thought provoking, thanks...
Michele sent me.
Mike
Well my dear friend, as we both know family can hurt us the worst with their words even when they haven't a clue what they are doing. Do I have an answer, no...all I can say is, tell your son, he's wonderful and that there is always going to be someone who is going to give unsolicited advice, just ignore it and live your life your way. Even though comments may hurt, consider the source and realize some people are just stupid. (That's putting it plainly! ;) )
Well Daisy, I know the Mama Hen in you initially want to peck out the eyes of the person who was so unkind to one of you chicks!!! That is a normal reaction because as a mother we want to protect our children. I think your criteria for handling criticism is excellent. I am going to use that.
I also think that, after some cooling off time, you should deal with the family member who made the offending comment. I think it is important to hold people accountable for their words, especially when they have been hurtful.
You are loved and I know you 'little boy' knows he is loved by you and his dad!
Hello Michele sent me. Nice blog. I'll look around a bit.
Daisy that's a very difficult situation. I think your way of thinking through the intention and perception of the insult-giver is a wise approach. When someone I love receives an insult, I try to focus my energy on the victim, giving love and encouragement and validation, as I'm sure you have with your son. I also like to think that the person giving the insult must be hurt in some way, to feel the need to do something hurtful, and that they will derive no satisfaction from it anyway, which is very sad. I think that's part of what your insult analysis questions are getting at. Your son is lucky to have you to love him unconditionally and to want to protect him from hurts, and also to guide him in understanding where insults come from. As for myself when I am insulted, sometimes I confront the insulter, sometimes I just walk away. Usually I decide based on how important the insult-giver is to me. If it's a relationship worth the effort I'll try to talk to the person. If it's a stranger or acquaintance, or someone with whom I've tried before and failed, I'll just walk away.
Your loving and thoughtful nature will help you steer through this one!
mp
I do believe in words too. I believe that words be it good or bad have a great impact on someone else's life. It can destroy or make a person.
How I handle dilemna, well I do both depending on the situation. I sometimes drop the bomb and some situations, I wait for the weather to cool down then confront that person.
Have a nice week ahead.
Sorry to hear this happened Daisy, did the family member come from the shallow end of the gene pool?
Conflict - How do I deal with conflict? I don't do conflict very well... I get all tied up in knots inside. I am better on the phone, but I can confront the person if I have to... Just thinking about it stresses me out... Must be a Libra thing!
xo
LBC
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