Monday Memories..A good lesson

Years ago I was asked to speak at the funeral of an acquaintance. I say acquaintance because she was a co-worker and was a "prickly personality". I didn't dislike her, but she irritated me and I guess I really didn't want other people to know that we were friends.

She died suddenly after routine surgery. She threw a blood clot in the lungs and was dead before her husband could even get to the hospital. She was in her early thirties and had a teenage daughter and a baby boy at home. We went to the same church and were the only Protestants at the Catholic hospital where we worked.

The Sisters of Mercy wanted to hold a memorial service for her but had no idea how non-Catholics conducted services so I reluctantly agreed to help. I didn't have a long history with "Barbara" as we had only been in the community for less than a year.

I did remember that she was the one person who came to visit our daughter Suzy, ( age 2) when she was in the hospital and bought her color books and new crayons. She also brought over boy baby clothes that her son had outgrown when she found out our new baby was a boy and had sister hand-me-down clothing.

As I began talking with the nursing staff that had worked with her, I began to see a pattern emerge. Yes, she was irritating and at times impossible to get along with.....but she was also quick to spot a need and fill it.

I heard story after story about how she had brought over a plant when a          co-worker moved to a new home, brought over meals when another was sick, and stayed with a dying parent at the hospital so another co-worker could have a break. She always "just appeared" and did whatever was needed without ever being asked or expecting anything in return. She gave her maternity clothes to a nursing assistant who was pregnant and even kept her little girl when she went into labor.

I was amazed at how this insensitive, irritating, and at times exasperating personality had reached out to those around her. I was ashamed and embarrassed as I remembered my last encounter with her and the last words I ever said to her.

We work together in the nursery and for some reason, she asked me point-blank, "Do you really like me?" I faltered, not knowing what to say. Yes, I did like her, but I also tried to distance myself from her because of her sharp tongue and rude manner. So I shrugged my shoulders, smiled weakly, and said, "You've got your moments!"

Looking back now, I wish I had taken the time to affirm and validate her. I think about "Barbara" every fall, even though it has been over 25 years since her death. I think about her when I am quick to write some one-off because their personality is grating or overbearing. I have to remind myself to try to see past their sharp comments and thorny exterior. I've also learned to appreciate and look for the good in people.....even though sometimes I need to be "a heart reader".